I am going to admit something to you because we’re best pretend friends.
I am so depressed, I can barely bring myself to chew food, suck air into my lungs, blog words, or strap on my false eyelashes. Life has seriously handed me a big bucket of truly sour lemons and since I’m not by nature a lemonade-making kind of girl, I’ve spent my days wondering if I dove out my bedroom window head first whether I would bounce like a Bumble or splat like a water balloon.
These are entirely constructive and completely healthy thoughts.
Today I’m in search of things that will make me feel better and in so doing, prevent the local news from leading with, “Dumbass 48 Year Old Woman Leaps From Her Window But Only Manages To Break Her Coccyx. Tune In at 11PM as Steel Smythington Explains What the Hell a Coccyx Is.” Be warned: these make no logical sense.
Logical sense is stupid.
5 Awesome Things That May Keep Me From Jumping Out of My 3rd Floor Window
I almost never laugh at toddlers who smoke. But friends, in the early days of America and photography, it was a different time. Youngsters routinely got bad perms, wore weird tights and tap shoes even where there was no tapping to be done, and hand-rolled cigarettes were a delicious treat.
And the caption? C’mon. That’s comedy brilliance.
NASA scientists have studied the effect Christian Louboutin shoes have on the female psyche, and here is what they discovered…
No one can ever be sad enough to fling themselves from a high window while wearing these shoes. (Until they receive the Visa bill at which point the potential for self-harm increases 1,897%.)
These shoes retail at $2795 American dollars. I have literally lived in places that wouldn’t cost that much to rebuild if leveled by an F5 ex-husband.
If you’re ever kidnapped by shady individuals who tell you your only hope of getting out alive with all your ears intact is to answer two questions of critical import about Sadie from Momcaster, you are home-free because I’m about to hook you up with knowledge.
How many times did Sadie live in Germany?
The correct answer is: twice.
What are Sadie’s favorite cookies in the whole, big, wide world?
The correct answer for both your ears and your freedom is: German Spitzbuben.
I haven’t had these in a very long time, but I remain convinced I would be decidedly un-sad if I had a dozen of these in my general vicinity right now. These cookies are ridiculously awesome, which everybody knows is better than completely plausible awesome.
I woke up yesterday and discovered I was in love with Steve Buscemi. More to the point, I want to marry Nucky Thompson, his character on Boardwalk Empire. That show makes me happy when skies are gray… or when I am about to kick the screen out of my window.
If you’ve never seen boobies, watched a character in a movie get shot in a completely vital organ, or heard a bad word, you probably don’t want to get your behind over to Amazon to buy episodes because Martin Scorsese insists any project he works on has all of these things in good measure.
Seriously HBO, I like you again.
This next thing might seem a little out of character given my desire to polish wing tips and watch shows that use bad words. It just goes to show when you think you know someone, you really don’t.
I love VaShawn Mitchell. His voice is powerful and this song of worship speaks to me in a way I can’t explain. I’ve been listening for weeks now over and over again. Regardless of your specific religious beliefs, the sweetness of this guy’s spirit may speak to you, too.
So there’s my list of things to make me feel better. Whats on YOUR short list of things that make you feel happy when you’re down?