A is for Apple and Awesome and Alright, I Will Stop With This Alliteration Now

It’s apple time, y’all. I’m on the hunt for apple awesomeness because searching for awesomeness in all its many forms is kind of my calling.

That explains why I’ve been married so many times. Come along with me on my apple journey, won’t you?

Natalya of Natalya’s Studio: Knit and Crochet Accessories has discovered that I routinely keep numerous, extremely fragile and totally breakable vials of Ebola virus in both my purse and my Mrs. Beasley lunchbox. (That is seriously the last time I’ll ask Julian Assange to retrieve my thermos of Hi-C for me – no matter how thirsty I am.)

She’s obviously created this cutie-pie Ninja Apple Cozy with me in mind.

Well played, Natalya. Well played.

Apple Cozy for lunchbox

$17.50 via Natalya’s Studio: Knit and Crochet Accessories

As you know by now, I play the ukulele. I play the fresh hell right out of the ukulele every chance I get.

Free Bird, Moves Like Jagger, and my favorite and yours, Weasels Ripped My Flesh – these are but a few of my favorite ukulele tunes.

Normally I play your basic standard ukulele that is almost never in the shape of fruit. That, my friend, is a personal shortcoming that I intend to correct now that I’ve found Celentano Woodworks owned by the talented craftsman Paul Celentano.

Behold, the apple ukulele… AKA the Applelele.

Apple Ukulele

$450 via Celentano Woodworks

When you visit a shop called The Atomic Apple, you better know you’re about to have apple hella awesome sauce poured all over your head. Seriously.

Look what they do to perfectly normal, albeit completely boring apples, y’all!  I’m saying any time you can drown something in chocolate and then cover it in Heath Bar Crunch, you my friend are a national hero and a credit to the human race.

I think you should stop what you’re doing and order these at once… and then order some for me. All the cool kids are doing it.

chocolate candy covered apples from Etsy

$28.99 via The Atomic Apple

I don’t do math – not because I can’t, but because I don’t believe in it. Somehow, despite my firm stance against numbers, I raised a son who is a math nerd and who is currently in college pursuing his love of 2-2 equals please buy an ad on Momcaster so he can stop eating noodles that cost a nickel.

Even though math is the devil, this Apple Pi necklace from Hot House Posey is so beyond aDORKable, I want to own it for my very self.

Apple Pi necklace for math nerds

$45 via Hot House Posey

When I was a little Southern girl, my Grandma used to dry apples in the sun on old window screens that rested on wooden saw horses. I learned two things from watching her do this each year:

1) Apples drying in the sun produce a wonderful aroma.


I would, however, not be at all opposed to drying apples in my oven so as to make this completely awesome and not at all fly-covered wreath by Cherry Menlove.

How to make a dried apple wreath

via Cherry Menlove

When I was about 17 years old, a girl from what we who lived in the foothills of North Carolina called “the hills” brought a Mason Jar full of moonshine to school.

Given that I had grown up around moonshine it seemed perfectly reasonable that on that day I would make a fateful decision to drink my first of the stuff during chorus while Mrs. Redheaded Chorus Teacher was so busy talking about “and rest and breathe” that she failed to notice a delightful young woman with hair as big as a Volkswagen getting so sloppy drunk that she was panting like a rabid fox during the “and breathe” part of The Benediction.

True story.

Meanwhile, if you’ve never tried moonshine, you are a sissy girl who needs to straighten up and fly right. You can start by making some Apple Pie Moonshine.  Word to the wise: don’t believe your sister when she tells you your Daddy won’t be able to smell the shine on you if you eat a bunch of peanut butter cups. The only thing worse than throwing up shine in a ditch about 100 yards from your house is throwing up peanut butter and chocolate mixed with shine about 100 yards from your house.

recipe for apple pie moonshine

via Moonshine Heritage

Thanks to me you know someone who has thrown up moonshine. You’re welcome. Hang out with me on Facebook and I promise you’ll be the first to know the next time that happens. And speaking of moonshine, dig on these Drink Ideas for a Party. Super cool. Totally.


About Sherri Bailey

Funny woman, author & comedy writer Sher Bailey writes about marriage, divorce, menopause, craft-envy, crap-soaked cats, and everything in between. And there is always plenty of in between.